The 8 S’s Narcissists Want From You – And How to Protect Yourself
- Editorial Team
- Aug 10
- 3 min read
Narcissists don’t love people – they love what people do for their ego. – Dr Ramani Durvasula, clinical psychologist and author of It’s Not You
Narcissists often appear charming, intelligent and magnetic. But behind that charisma is a hidden dynamic of control. Leading psychologists, including Dr Ramani Durvasula, Dr Craig Malkin, Shahida Arabi and Sam Vaknin, have identified key emotional and psychological needs that drive narcissistic behaviour in relationships.
These individuals may not seek true connection, but rather extract specific forms of value from their partners, friends or colleagues. At Calmfidence World, we have expanded this framework into what we call The 8 S’s – a practical and empowering guide to recognising the emotional contracts you never agreed to.
1. Sex – A tool for power, not connection
For narcissists, sex is not an act of intimacy, but one of control, validation or performance. Research on sexual narcissism shows that individuals with narcissistic traits often lack empathy in intimate situations and may use sex to manipulate or reward.
What to look out for:
Love bombing followed by sudden coldness, pressure to perform, or the use of sex as leverage.
Protect yourself:
Prioritise your agency and emotional safety. If sex feels transactional or one-sided, take a step back and reassess the emotional climate.
2. Supply – Emotional fuel for their ego
Dr Craig Malkin defines narcissistic supply as the attention, admiration and even conflict that narcissists feed on to maintain their inflated self-image. Whether positive or negative, any reaction keeps them in control.
What to look out for:
Constant attention-seeking, creating drama, discomfort when they are not the centre of focus.
Protect yourself:
Practise the “grey rock” method – respond with minimal emotional intensity. Redirect your energy into relationships that give back.
3. Service – Emotional and practical labour
Narcissists often expect those around them to do the heavy lifting – emotionally, logistically or domestically. Over time, you may find yourself in a support role you never agreed to.
What to look out for:
Feeling over-responsible, being guilt-tripped into caregiving, or burnout from constant giving.
Protect yourself:
Pause and ask: am I in a relationship or in a role? Begin redefining your boundaries and what support should look like in both directions.
4. Status – Leveraging your image to boost theirs
Dr Ramani frequently speaks about narcissists seeking “status by association”. This means aligning with people who enhance their public image, reputation or social credibility.
What to look out for:
Being shown off in public, but dismissed or devalued in private. Feeling like a trophy rather than a partner.
Protect yourself:
Recognise when your worth is being tied to your appearance, achievements or access. You are not an accessory.
5. Safety – Emotional shielding from consequences
Many narcissists seek a partner or friend who will absorb their emotional chaos, clean up their messes and keep secrets. They want to feel safe, but without responsibility.
What to look out for:
You become the emotional airbag. You feel responsible for regulating their mood or hiding their behaviour from others.
Protect yourself:
Let go of the fixer role. You cannot save someone from the consequences of their own choices.
6. Submission – Obedience over equality
Shahida Arabi notes that narcissists value control above connection. They may test your limits, punish independence or dismiss your voice if it threatens their dominance.
What to look out for:
Subtle power plays, punishment when you assert boundaries, or being made to feel “difficult”.
Protect yourself:
Refuse to apologise for having opinions, needs or autonomy. Equality is a hallmark of healthy relationships.
7. Silence – Secrecy that protects them
Narcissists often rely on your silence to maintain their image. This may involve coercing you into secrecy or using shame to keep you quiet.
What to look out for:
Fear of speaking up, covering for their actions, or minimising harm to preserve the peace.
Protect yourself:
Break the silence. Speak with a trusted friend, therapist or support group. Sharing your experience is not betrayal – it is liberation.
8. Sacrifice – Shrinking yourself for their comfort
Ultimately, the narcissist may expect you to give up your identity, career, values or dreams to keep the relationship afloat. This sacrifice serves their ego, not your growth.
What to look out for:
Chronic exhaustion, loss of self, letting go of your goals to avoid conflict or “keep the peace”.
Protect yourself:
Reclaim your personal vision. True connection never requires you to abandon yourself.
You were never meant to be someone’s supply source, status boost or emotional caretaker.
You were meant to lead. With clarity, strength and Calmfidence from within.
Boundaries aren’t rejection – they’re direction
Got elevated?
Explore our 8 TO ELEVATE curated series — transformative insights made simple. Share them and spark a ripple effect of expanding energy!
Like what you’ve read?
Great! SIGN UP for The Calmfidence Circle — and shift to WHOLE Performance.
Comments